the_emokiwi

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Inner-Descension.com

Try this one if the top one doesnt work

Fun crazy wild girls who party; are never faithful. Where girls that are faithful are never crazy wild or party well.

Why isnt there ever a balance?

*shakes head* oh jeez, the things we get ourselves into.

Lots on my mind, hmm.

im secretly a lesbian.

yup there i said it.

deal with it.

bahahah
X'D


no but really.
i am.

*comes out of the lesbian closet*



[if you dont get the joke of this then you should kill yourself :)]

lol so i find myself in atlanta of all places, well i suppose technically the city is called rex, and outlaying city next to it, but anyway.. I find myself here with an amazing girl, by the name of ellisif :D She is heaven sent and all of the bad parts of my personality and life do not bother her at all. It amazes me to a great extent. We both didn't think anything was going to happen between each other, but we found ourselves falling for one another. And of course as my life usually is, a flood of my own drama hits like a tidal wave. Which also to my amazement doesn't phase her. She really is unlike any girl ive ever dated. And as the pathetic attempts to i guess upset me or something roll in i just sit back and laugh at the adolescent stupidity. XD plus its just too damn amusing watching people show their own idiocracy. Its given me way more than my "seven laughs" as katt williams would say, and between that and the love and affection that i receive from my gorgeous elly, I am quite quite happy. :] Shes sleepin like a cutie right now, and i had an interesting dream about her cutting my hair O_o; lol i have NO intention to cut my hair like how it was in the dream. [a lot shorter like in the earlier pictures i posted on here] *shudders* buuut yeah, i really dont get people sometimes tho; its like.. im very very glad, that i chose to move on from my latest 3 exs lol. Because after seen how they really are, im quite good off of that. And i could be mean and stuff like they are, but im not. Because im better than that, my only regret is that they arent wise enough to share these thoughts. But, if everyone was, then no one would be. [yes im aware that is taken from the incredibles lol.]

At any rate, i must jet; im gonna go snuggle with my love XD

:} chin up ppl its all about how you look at things <3

wow. a rush of old feelings, and being crushed down with all the crap that comes with it. "This isnt how its supposed to be" But it its how its become. I didn't ask for the things that occurred to occur but they did. All that is left to do is burn those memories out of my mind. I dont want them anymore. One pill, two, five, twenty, how ever many it takes for the drugs to burn you out. i will, i must, your not the person i loved, and never will be again. Cut the ties, mend my wounds, wash you from me. completely. You could have been great, but you chose to be trash. And as i defile myself to get you out, i too drop from the heights of who i once was. But once i get back up, i wont ever fall, ever. I've not told anyone, but im leaving here. To never return, once things are set in order. I'm so much older than all of you, yet you all lack the forbearance to see it. The ways of the old dont make sense in this day in age. Ive tried, so very hard, to live like all of you. It sickens me, but i do it anyway.

I don't want to let go. but i know that i have to.
so i am.

the end.

its pretty simple

no more

just no fucking more

im done

with everything.


</3

so basically ive thrown out my old myspace motif as it were. As per my VF and current MS and whatever other site im on my sn is now Dark-Descension or something of that derivation.

As i continue to stumble through life i figured out that i really fucked up on a lot of things. The one i truly love and care about probably doesn't want anything to do with me and i really don't blame her. I'm quite disgusted with how i am these days, and ive been drinking myself to madness to boot. I honestly Just want to be happy... is that so much to ask?

I was and would be with her, very much so, more than probably i would be with any other person. But alas as life would have it I don't even really get a chance at it.

I lay to rest my old name, one of 3 that are no longer in use.

"i want a girl with lips like morphine, knock me out as soon as they touch me"

I miss that feeling... Danielle is the only one that gives it to me... I honestly don't know why.. Well i kinda do, shes the one dearest to me.

I saw me n her band today, and they played our song. I wish she had been there to hear it with me...

*le sigh*
I miss her so much :[
the never ending pain that i conceal so well.
its gonna be a long lifetime.

Lastly, i had a really shitty dream.

Danielle, Trisha, and heidi were all in it.
it was heart-wrenching.
but at the end heidi like she always did gave me the best advice.
'always be yourself chris, that weird crazy-amazing dork that i love'
I hope wherever she is shes happy, I do miss her..


I want everything to work out =[
im greatly hoping that it does

so basically im kinda drunk lol.

lotsa shit happened.

my relationship with danielle that was ever going down the path of crapines hit an all time low, when she "used kyle/spunk to get at me" which i honestly dont even believe, realistically i think shes been fukin around on me and she got caught so she tried to play shit off. not chill. and so i dumped her seeing what her reaction would be and how little of time before she would go runnin back to him, and from what i see didnt take long at all.

I really don't care tho, he can have her. And im tryin my best to be myself, and not become a joint entity with anyone. All my friends have been saying thats what i should do, but when i do it they all get all fuked toward me. I honestly dont get it. Again i don't care tho, in hopes of trisha genuinely loving me i move forward, and making damned sure i dont become a symbiotic parasite again. I've still gotta do my own thing, and have her to hers, but still have a working positive relationship. And ive also learned that i can no longer drink. My alchy genes have finally kicked in and i get and automatic depression when i do. bloody sucks, oh well tho; alcohol is overrated anyway.

so i totally just lost my train of thought, oh! right, so tonight didn't go as well as i had hoped, idk i should prolly just be content with things. hopefully tomorrow will be better. my brain is all kinda screwed up atm i need to just sleep

night world

2morrow shall be a good day

rofl, so i find myself once again on this site; of course after a long time of not posting... lots of things have transpired so heres a lil synopsis. Issues with danielle; mainly boys trying to get with her etc; me getting upset, arguments etc; eventually working some of them out, not really solving the problems because their still there but ya know what can ya do. I can't dissolve the feelings of hatred, and there's nothing really to do about it. But basically im just gonna be the biggest asshole in the universe towards them when im around her until they fuck off lol. Or go to plan B, but id have to wait a while for that, and the timing is not right for any of that nonsense. Anywayyyy; im prepping for an amazing rave thats goin down soon, and hopefully it will be an amazingly great time :}

I really hope the stuff i bought comes soon, i kinda need them by friday. hmm.
imma be pissed as fuck if it doesn't.


other than that, just livin life; i really don't have that much time left.

the clocks ticking down ugh.
i try not to think about it.
:] keeping myself happy for the time being is all im focused on, and of course my gf. My cute lil raver-girl.

so pretty much, busy-bee sydrome. Work is a pain in mah arse, and i really dun get much sleep these days.

But regardless of the crap thats gone down in the recent days; my life has actually been becoming happier.

Chillin with mah friends, and going on adventures wif danielle always seems to heighten my spirits. But im hella not going on another 6 mile hike. eff dat shit. lol. *feet are killing me*

but yeah; current plans include... Day with danielle on saturday, and something for my birthday. I really have no plans for my bday other than getting completely smashed, legally. I think danielle wants to do something for my bday but idk, my birthdays are usually one of the most depressing days of the year, so i tend to seclude myself off on sed days. or get fucked up out of my mind :]

A few new pictures to upload from my "hiking adventure" with danielle.








Oh, and this one that i really like lol.
im all RAWR in it XD


Additionally, I seem to be getting closer to some as im drifting away from others. And some of my previous "friends" are being butt-holes so i kinda toss them away. Lol and then i have this one friend that keeps ditching me *cough cough* but its all good lol

I just really really really need time away from myself it seems just to relax and sleep and do whatever lol. All this working and running around and stuff is wearing harshly on me. Op! and i nearly forgot to take my vitamins. lol that woulda been bad XD

anywhoo its time for me to taketh my shower and get rdy for the day :)
ill try to be more consistent with my journal lol. x_X

So i went on a lil adventure to the aquarium, that i haven't visited in near to 5 or so plus years. It was pretty neat, not as amazing as i remember but me n danielle had a blast looking at all the lil sea creatures.

especially the jellyfish. Who are freaking amazing btw.

:) and then we went to the park where i took this picture, which i think is pretty fantastic.



Going back to the jellies tho, i took some neat photo's of them, and then of course of our silly-little kid status-ness lol.






All in all it was a good day.

oh and heres a picture of me being kinda silly after i had just gotten my hair redone.

lol yay for rave names. Even tho mine doesn't make any sense lol.. plus im not even a raver. but w/e she thought it would be cool to give me one haha.


then.. Looking for some stuffs, and we decided to chill and have fun at the "red church"
:)




and yeah i tend to glare at religious fanatics.

i haven't really been on here very much XD

lots of craziness in mah life and stuff.

latest thing to happen was BFD [a concert with a lot of bands in it at the shoreline amp. in san jose]

a lot of crazy things occurred at that concert. Lots of drug filled craziness; ditching of friends; dancing and meeting people. I went with danielle, her friends joe and i kinda forget the other two. The bands kinda sucked not gonna lie. But! the Dj pit was insanely awesome. I had the GREATEST time there lol. Dancing for 5+ hours to crazy amazing house techno on stuff is pretty much the highlight of that experience. that and taking funny photos like the one imma post below this. Moby and MSTRCRFT [i think thats how you spell it, i know its pronounced mastercraft] are amazequeef and Danielle was mad fun as well. I feel bad for this one kid tho, i dun remember his name but he met this girl sara, she was pretty cute and he was head over heals for her, unfortunately for him she had a bf and he was kinda upset for the rest of the concert. lol speaking of which, joe also got this way when i was "hogging" danielle. Shes my concert buddy so he can suck it haha. [i know that he has a fat thing for her, but i think hes a douche so me n her kinda ditched him like 5+ times haha] yeah i can be an asshole like that. :] what are friends for right? Anyyyyywayy, like i said i had an amazing time, and it was fun to let loose like that.

as for other update stuff, work has been a tad bit overwhelming, but i may be going on an adventure to the woods/catacombs on wendsday/thursday :]
kinda lookin forward to that, it'll be great to take pictures n stuff.

well its like 2.40am now so imma go 2 bed lol.
heres the picture from bfd :] and ew at my face in it lol.



i just realized that i didnt give too many updates rofl..
but im dead tired so ill just do it lata XD

ok, so my life is kinda nuts, as you people may or may not know. And I had a kinda predicament with a concert that i was going to. I had a few people that i was going to meet up with, no one i really knew except for danielle. Which i thought was gonna be awkward as fuck cuz she was bringing her new boyfriend. Hesitant to be as open with me as she usually is, most likely cuz of the boyfriend i easily got her back to her normal self. And even as she clutched onto him i knew that she wanted it to be me. to which i kinda giggled to myself about. He surprisingly did not get angry or even seemingly annoyed [that i could tell] when her playful nature came out when i was there. [this was all occurring when we were standing in line mind you] However, when we got to the actual concert it was quite a different story. The first band i dont even know who they were, but they sucked hardcore. And i went to the bathroom to take some stuff to liven me up a bit lol. Danielle and her boyfriend had taken theirs prior to entry. I return in, and we kinda stand there in the crowd waiting for it to kick in, and when hers did it was pretty obvious. And i of course scratched her neck which made her all tingly, which she loves. Mine kinda starts hitting too, and me and her are dancing and her boyfriend gets a tad bit jealous. I really didn't mind him leaving, hes a tool. And right after is where things got a bit "bad" you could say. She kinda got abnormally close, and a lil bit too touchy-feely for how she usually is with me, which i mean is kinda typical for what we were on. After a lil while she kinda got paranoid about her boyfriend and had to use my phone to contact him, and he returned to where we were. She kinda dragged me and him around the concert meeting people, and then she danced with some punk-like kids; who smelled really bad mind you. It did kinda bothered me not gonna lie but her boyfriend didn't seem to mind at all. And then like all stereotypical bi girls she made out with some chick there. I kinda got all depressed toward the end of the concert, mainly because i had planned to cut my connections to her right then and there and walk away, leaving her out of my life permanently. Which didn't work out so hot. She wanted me to come home with her, as i was still messed up and all depressed from the concert, along with her knowing how i am, and that i would prolly drive into something. But i declined; mainly cuz her father hates my guts [i dont know why] but also because i couldn't leave my car there. I left kinda abruptly when we were standing outside, and i even heard her yell my name as i walked away, but i didn't turn around. And yeah that lasted about a day lol. I kinda caved in and talked to her a lil over a day later, which was to her great relief. She was thinking the worst, i had just been a lil ill and overworked in reality. I left her my pentacle, and she gave me a raver bracelet, known as sed kind as candy. Which has the words 'dark angel' on it, which is what she calls me. I'm seeing her on Thursday i hope, mainly because i have a lot of things that i need to say to her, face to face. Shes terrible to talk to over the phone, and loves to disregard texts lol. And although the concert could have gone quite a bit worse, or better; im not displeased with how it turned out.



she fatly stole my pop rocks too lol

after a wave of shit hitting me

i find myself not as whole as i used to be.

idk whats goin on,
everything seems to be falling apart.
the only things keeping me connected to this world seems to be a song.

"Cry Little Sister" -Sisters of Mercy.

I'm hoping things get better for me =[

sooo i look silly but yeah :)

ive had a lot on my mind; yes it is a pretty prevalent theme in my life; but basically theres a lot of things going on but at the same time nothing is really changing. It's an odd feeling, im not too sure about how things are gonna go with my life. But i don't really care at the same time lol. With thousands of songs at my fingertips i find myself living to the beat of surprisingly upbeat music. With everyone around me either appearing or disappearing; i find that very few people are actually on the same level as me. Which is referring to both intelligence and spirituality for those that don't know lol.

additionally ive started training again; my increased health has become the focus of my life more or less; and then my pursuit of knowledge.

even though i have a pretty good grasp on things, im still in the never ending search of myself. It's my hope that upon true self realization that i will have the wisdom to continue my path; and find what im looking for.

Nothing will drag me down. I welcome additions to my life; but if you become a drag, i will drop you like nothing lol. I've wasted too much time on useless shit; and its time for me to grow. =]

I urge everyone else to do the same.

im not too happy with it but ohhh well lol

=P!

I have some unsettling thoughts circulating in my head. Some things that just don't add up, and then some things that don't look very coacher. I don't want to bring it up as it could possibly lead to ill feelings, but its really bothering me...

Fuck. My life is being way more complicated than it should be right now, and i just want everything to be positive, good, and happy.

My past is going to come back to fuck me over, in more ways than one, and will be my eventual undoing. But in the meantime I'd like for some peace of heart and mind. And if all possible without the price one usually pays for such a thing.

And to top it all off, my youngest sister has these OCD freakouts, which is seeming like a panic attack almost, and my parents are deadset on medicating her. I strongly disagree to pill popping, and think that she just needs to be snapped into her place.

I need to get away from here...
but i cant, for way too many reasons;
two of my dearest friends live here, and one im kinda coaching through life, and the other i just cant leave..

I've really fucked myself over x_X
there's no real way to get out of this, without grave consequences upon my heart and mind.

idk what im gonna do honestly, but i really can't stay here too much longer, this place is driving me mad.

=[
i guess we'll see what happens.

Putting all things in perspective is a very important part of being an intelligent individual. I try my best to step outside of myself when thinking about most things. In my sessions of thought i have concluded that i do not want to waste my time with negativity anymore; and i have therefore begun to kick anything that is negative out of my life. Permanently.

We only have a small amount of time to live, so its best to live to the fullest, and to the happiest we can.

I had only asked to have those around me respect my decisions enough to allow me to attempt to live out the rest of my days to the best of my ability, but some see it fit to disregard my request. As earlier mentioned they are then expunged from my life.

Live and let live, why can't more people have this ideal?
mankind saddens me.

maybe one day they'll realize how fucked up they're being.